


Stiles' First Name

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [54]
Category: Supernatural, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Crack, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drabble, Everybody loves Mal, Failwolf Friday, Humor, M/M, Metafiction, Pie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:17:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles has a Plan, which is alarming. Derek is grumpy, which is perfectly normal.  Deucalion hasn't seen Firefly, which is just unacceptable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Настоящее имя Стайлза](https://archiveofourown.org/works/936244) by [chatain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chatain/pseuds/chatain)



**Stiles:**  So here’s the deal. You can have Derek. And Scott. But only if you can guess my first name.

 **Deucalion:**  That sounds really dumb.

 **Stiles:**  Or we could continue fighting. And let me tell you, we will probably all die. But we’ll be a pain in your ass ‘till then.

 **Deucalion:**  True.

 **Stiles:**  So, you guess my name in the next three days, and they’ll come quietly. You don’t, and you leave us alone. For good.

 **Deucalion:**  Sounds fair. And three days is a long time.

 **Scott:**  Cool. Also, I want your first-born.

 **Stiles:** : No, Scott. No you don’t.

 **Scott:**  Oh, right. Sorry. I got carried away.

 **Stiles:**  So, anyway, start guessing. Oh, and if you try to force my dad to tell you anything, I will rip your throat out. With my teeth.

 **Deucalion:**  Okay? Um. Let’s see. Tim?

 **Stiles:**  Really? That’s your first guess?

 **Deucalion:**  Timothy?

 **Stiles:**  Dude…

 **Deucalion:**  What? You look like a Tim.

 **Stiles:**  Well, I’m not. Keep guessing.

 **Deucalion:**  Jim?

 **Scott:**  This plan may just work.

 **Stiles:**  And it was Derek’s too. He’ll be so proud.

 **Scott:**  I’m not sure if it counts as Derek’s idea…

*flashback*

 **Derek:**  …and then we leave the bloody daggers in the hands of the Twins as they are sleeping, so when they wake up…

 **Scott:**  Derek, that is a terrible idea.

 **Stiles:**  And I think you got it from Macbeth. Which, kudos for having read your Shakespeare. Though, predictable that you chose Macbeth. But do you know what happened to Macbeth? He died!

 **Derek:**  Could you stop saying that?

 **Scott:**  What? Macbeth?

 **Derek:**  YES. THAT. STOP SAYING THAT.

 **Stiles:**  Oh my god! You are scared of the curse of the Scottish play!

 **Derek:**  I’m cautious!

 **Stiles:**  You are terrible at making any sort of reasonable plan! *in bad Derek impression* Hi. I’m Derek. I’m gonna eyebrow you to death. With my teeth!

 **Derek:**  That makes no sense! And at least I’ve had some plans! What are  _you_  gonna do? Make them try to guess your name, then hope they get frustrated and leave?!?

*end flashback*

 **Stiles:**  Yeah. He’ll be pretty pissed that it worked. Which is why we’re gonna tell him. He’ll do that thing with his face.

 **Scott:**  Make an expression?

 **Stiles:**  Yeah! It’ll be hilarious.

 **Deucalion:**  Kim?

 **Stiles:**  Dude. Is that even a boy’s name?

 **Deucalion:**  Don’t be narrow-minded.


	2. Chapter 2

*the second day*

 **Deucalion:**  Dan?

 **Stiles:**  No. And I’m getting a little bored.

 **Deucalion:**  Stan?

 **Stiles:**  Why would I pick the nickname ‘Stiles’ if my actual name was ‘Stan’? Also, Stanley Stilinski? Really?

 **Deucalion:**  Oh! I didn’t guess that one yet! Stanley!

 **Stiles:**  No.

*elsewhere*

 **Scott:**  So, do you know his real name?

 **Derek:**  Eh. He told it to me once ‘cause he wanted me to scream it when he was —

 **Scott:**  I DON’T NEED TO KNOW!

 **Derek:**  — but it didn’t really work out. I kept choking on the umlauts. And Stiles says the only thing I’m allowed to choke on is his —

 **Scott:**  QUITE!

 **Derek:**  — so we made a compromise, and now I just scream ‘daddy’ or ‘mas—’

 **Scott:**  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

 **Derek:**  Or that. That works too.

*back to the plot*

 **Deucalion:**  Fran?

 **Stiles:**  Girl’s name.

 **Deucalion:**  Oh yeah. I forgot your name was all gender-normative. Sorry. Bran?

 **Stiles:**  No. But I am a fan of Game of Thrones.

 **Deucalion:**  Right? Man, can you believe that Arya…

*Okay, so there isn’t really much plot there. Maybe we can check in on Lydia and Allison?*

 **Lydia:**  So, according to my calculations, the Darach should be in here.

 **Allison:**  Okay, I’ll cover you.

*they open a warehouse door to see…*

 **Sam Winchester:**  Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus…

 **Dean Winchester:**  You tell ‘em, baby!

*they close the warehouse door*

 **Allison:**  So, it looks like they’ve got that covered.

 **Lydia:** They know that’s a Druid, not a possession?

 **Allison:**  That’s why they had the machetes. I’m pretty sure the Latin is just getting the short one off. 

 **Lydia:**  Hey, whatever floats your boat. Ooo, look, somebody left some pie here. Wanna go have a picnic?

 **Allison:**  If by picnic you mean sex…

 **Lydia:**  Duh!

*Okay, so that wasn’t a whole lot more plot-intensive. Back to Stiles?*

 **Deucalion:** Yeah, but even though he dies in the first season, they needed someone really good, ‘cause he’s still the backbone of the family, y’know?

 **Stiles:**  Oh! I don’t disagree! I just think Sean Bean gets stuck in these roles ‘cause he’s so good at death scenes. And that sucks for his career, ‘cause he never gets steady gigs.

 **Deucalion:**  I guess. But this way he gets to do all sorts of different projects. And I think that’s worth the…

*Well, Maybe we’ll just skip ahead to day three? Yeah. Ahem. The Third Day*

 **Stiles:**  Oh my God! I cannot believe you haven’t seen Firefly! I mean, we’re talking classic cult sci fi here!

 **Deucalion:**  Eh, I watched an episode, and it honestly didn’t make a whole lot of sense.

 **Stiles:**  Yeah, you gotta watch them in the order Joss intended, not the order they were aired.

 **Deucalion:**  I dunno. I just didn’t get drawn into it.

 **Stiles:**  Oh come on! Five episode rule! You have to at least…

*sigh*


	3. Chapter 3

*the afternoon of the third day*

 **Scott:**  *jumping through Stiles’ window* Stiles! We have a problem! Kali overheard me talking to Isaac, and…WHY ARE YOU CUDDLING WITH A WOLFED OUT ALPHA?

…

 **Scott:**  One who isn’t Derek. ‘Cause you seem to cuddle Derek a lot. And he seems to compensate for the perceived lack of masculinity by wolfing out, but —

 **Deucalion:**  Shhh!

 **Scott:**  Stiles? Why is he all wolfed out and —

 **Stiles:**  *through tears* So he can see the perfection of masculinity that is Nathan Fillion.

 **Deucalion:**  He is so beautiful….

 **Stiles:**  Now shhh. 

*a few minutes later*

 **Deucalion:**  …if he had just trusted…

 **Stiles:**  I know.

 **Scott:** You know you shouldn’t be watching this episode. It always makes you —

 **Stiles:** Shhh. Just let us finish the…

*a few minutes later*

 **Stiles:**  So, what was the emergency?

 **Scott:**  *sniffling* Can I have a tissue?

 **Stiles:**  Of course. Here.

 **Scott:**  Why were you watching ‘The Message’? You know that one makes you cry!

 **Stiles:**  Can you believe the Dukester here had never seen Firefly? I found out this morning, so we’ve been watching a few episodes…

 **Scott:** Dude. That’s like, more than a few episodes. That’s basically the whole show!

 **Stiles:**  No it isn’t! And anyway! It’s really good!

 **Scott:**  True.

 **Stiles:**  So, emergency?

 **Scott:**  Right. Um. Kali may have overheard me and Isaac last night. We had decided to build a fire pit, ‘cause Derek wasn’t home to be all 'Ah. My family is dead! Fire is no fun, and neither am I!'. And we were dancing around it singing this song I wrote…

 **Stiles:**  …what song?

 **Scott:**  Well. It went like this:

> ‘ _The Alpha Pack is gonna go_
> 
> _‘Cause there’s no way that they can know_
> 
> _His name ain’t Joe or Tom or Jim,_
> 
> _His name is—’_

**Stiles:**  I think that’s a good place to stop, don’t you?

 **Scott:**  What? Oh. Yeah. Sorry. But anyway, Kali heard the whole thing, so…

 **Stiles:**  *with a sigh* Must you be such a cliche?

 **Scott:**  *like a sad puppy* I’m sorry.

 **Stiles:**  Eh. It’s okay. If you made the last line rhyme, I don’t think you had the name right.

 **Scott:**  But Derek told me…

 **Stiles:**  Ah. Nothing to worry about then. He never gets it right. He can’t really scream all the umlauts. Plus, he’s always repeating syllables ‘cause —

 **Scott:**  SO I’VE HEARD.

 **Stiles:**  Touchy, aren’t we?

 **Deucalion:**  Oh! It’s hard to pronounce? How about Seamus? I’ve always had trouble with that one. ‘Cause it looks like it should be pronounced —

 **Stiles:**  No. And dude, I thought we decided to table the whole fighting thing until we got through Battlestar Galactica!

 **Deucalion:**  Eh. We’ll prolly leave you alone anyway. I mean, I don’t really want Scott in my pack if he doesn’t like Sherlock…

 **Scott:**  What? That dude’s face is just weird-looking.

 **Deucalion:**  …and if Derek is as angsty as you say he is, I’d rather not bother. Honestly, we have a shit ton of angst as is.

 **Stiles:**  Yeah. But his angst is super hot.

 **Deucalion:**  True. But Peter is super hot too, and he isn’t as high-maintenance. He’s just batshit. Which I like in a man.

 **Stiles:**  Well, you can have him!

 **Scott:**  Amen.

 **Deucalion:**  So, another episode?

 **Stiles:**  Sure! Oh, you’ll like this one. In this one, Inara gets a call from…

**…The End**

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


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